13 quotes by Emo Philips

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” — Emo Philips

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“Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.” — Emo Philips

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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” — Emo Philips

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“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.” — Emo Philips

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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.” — Emo Philips

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“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” — Emo Philips

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“My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.” — Emo Philips

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“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.” — Emo Philips

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“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.” — Emo Philips

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“When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.” — Emo Philips

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“He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.” — Emo Philips

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“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.” — Emo Philips

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“Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.” — Emo Philips

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