35 quotes by Groucho Marx

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.” — Groucho Marx

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“Before I speak, I have something important to say.” — Groucho Marx

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“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx

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“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.” — Groucho Marx

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“Before I speak, I have something important to say.” — Groucho Marx

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“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx

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“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx

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“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.” — Groucho Marx

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“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” — Groucho Marx

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“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” — Groucho Marx

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“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.” — Groucho Marx

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“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.” — Groucho Marx

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“Humor is reason gone mad.” — Groucho Marx

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“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” — Groucho Marx

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“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.” — Groucho Marx

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“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx

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“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.” — Groucho Marx

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“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.” — Groucho Marx

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“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” — Groucho Marx

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“Women should be obscene and not heard.” — Groucho Marx

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“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.” — Groucho Marx

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“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.” — Groucho Marx

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“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.” — Groucho Marx

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“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx

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“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.” — Groucho Marx

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