25 quotes by Mitch Hedberg

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!” — Mitch Hedberg

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“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?” — Mitch Hedberg

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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.” — Mitch Hedberg

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