28 quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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