40 quotes by Woody Allen

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.” — Woody Allen

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“Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.” — Woody Allen

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“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.” — Woody Allen

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“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.” — Woody Allen

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“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?” — Woody Allen

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“If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.” — Woody Allen

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“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.” — Woody Allen

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“Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.” — Woody Allen

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“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.” — Woody Allen

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“Eighty percent of success is showing up.” — Woody Allen

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“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.” — Woody Allen

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“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.” — Woody Allen

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“To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.” — Woody Allen

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“I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!” — Woody Allen

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“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.” — Woody Allen

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“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.” — Woody Allen

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“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty d--n good.” — Woody Allen

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“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.” — Woody Allen

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“I am two with nature.” — Woody Allen

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“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” — Woody Allen

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“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.” — Woody Allen

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“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.” — Woody Allen

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“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen

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“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.” — Woody Allen

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“Marriage is the death of hope.” — Woody Allen

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