19 quotes by Henny Youngman

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman

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“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.” — Henny Youngman

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“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.” — Henny Youngman

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“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.” — Henny Youngman

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“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?” — Henny Youngman

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“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” — Henny Youngman

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!” — Henny Youngman

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“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.” — Henny Youngman

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“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.” — Henny Youngman

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“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.” — Henny Youngman

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“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman

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“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.” — Henny Youngman

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“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.” — Henny Youngman

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“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.” — Henny Youngman

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“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.” — Henny Youngman

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“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.” — Henny Youngman

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“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.” — Henny Youngman

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“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.” — Henny Youngman

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