20 quotes by Phyllis Diller

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller

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“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.” — Phyllis Diller

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“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller

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“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.” — Phyllis Diller

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“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.” — Phyllis Diller

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“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.” — Phyllis Diller

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“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?” — Phyllis Diller

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“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” — Phyllis Diller

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“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” — Phyllis Diller

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“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.” — Phyllis Diller

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“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” — Phyllis Diller

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“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.” — Phyllis Diller

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“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” — Phyllis Diller

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“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” — Phyllis Diller

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“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.” — Phyllis Diller

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“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.” — Phyllis Diller

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“The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.” — Phyllis Diller

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“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.” — Phyllis Diller

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“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller

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“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” — Phyllis Diller

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