Emo Philips

“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”

“Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.”

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”

“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”

“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

“My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.”

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”

“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”

“When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.”

“He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.”

“Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.”