25 quotes by George Carlin

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.” — George Carlin

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“Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.” — George Carlin

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“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.” — George Carlin

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“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.” — George Carlin

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“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.” — George Carlin

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“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” — George Carlin

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“Religion is just mind control.” — George Carlin

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“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” — George Carlin

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“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin

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“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.” — George Carlin

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“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” — George Carlin

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“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.” — George Carlin

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“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.” — George Carlin

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“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin

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“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” — George Carlin

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“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.” — George Carlin

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“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.” — George Carlin

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“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.” — George Carlin

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“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

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“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.” — George Carlin

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“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” — George Carlin

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“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” — George Carlin

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“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” — George Carlin

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“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” — George Carlin

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“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.” — George Carlin

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