Mitch Hedberg

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”

“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”

“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”

“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”