26 quotes by Rita Rudner

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.” — Rita Rudner

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“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.” — Rita Rudner

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“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'” — Rita Rudner

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“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.” — Rita Rudner

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“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” — Rita Rudner

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“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.” — Rita Rudner

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“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” — Rita Rudner

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“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

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“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.” — Rita Rudner

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“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.” — Rita Rudner

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“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.” — Rita Rudner

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“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner

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“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.” — Rita Rudner

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“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner

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“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.” — Rita Rudner

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“Some people think having large b-----s makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large b-----s makes men stupid.” — Rita Rudner

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“My Vegas act is how I make my money.” — Rita Rudner

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“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” — Rita Rudner

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“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” — Rita Rudner

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“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.” — Rita Rudner

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“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.” — Rita Rudner

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“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.” — Rita Rudner

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“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.” — Rita Rudner

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“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?” — Rita Rudner

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“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?” — Rita Rudner

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