W.C. Fields

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

“Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.”

“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”

“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”

“Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.”

“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

“I like children - fried.”

“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”

“I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.”

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”

“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a d--n fool about it.”

“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”

“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.”

“Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.”