Rodney Dangerfield

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”

“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”

“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”