34 quotes by Steven Wright

“What's another word for Thesaurus?” — Steven Wright

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“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.” — Steven Wright

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“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.” — Steven Wright

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“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.” — Steven Wright

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“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.” — Steven Wright

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“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.” — Steven Wright

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“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright

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“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright

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“If God dropped acid, would he see people?” — Steven Wright

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“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.” — Steven Wright

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“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'” — Steven Wright

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“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.” — Steven Wright

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“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'” — Steven Wright

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“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.” — Steven Wright

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“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” — Steven Wright

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“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.” — Steven Wright

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“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.” — Steven Wright

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“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.” — Steven Wright

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“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” — Steven Wright

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“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” — Steven Wright

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“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'” — Steven Wright

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“How young can you die of old age?” — Steven Wright

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“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.” — Steven Wright

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“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.” — Steven Wright

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“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.” — Steven Wright

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