Woody Allen

“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”

“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty d--n good.”

“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

“To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”

“I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”

“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”

“Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”

“If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.”

“Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.”

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”

“Marriage is the death of hope.”

“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .”

“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”

“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”