969 private quotes tagged funny

“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

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“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” — Mae West

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“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!” — Steve Martin

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“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.” — Bette Davis

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.” — Joe Rogan

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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.” — Emo Philips

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“Never fight an inanimate object.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” — David Ogilvy

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“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” — William Lyon Phelps

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“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” — Robin Williams

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.” — Bette Davis

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“Men are only as loyal as their options.” — Bill Maher

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“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” — Frank Lloyd Wright

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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.” — Lewis Black

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“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” — Bill Maher

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“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” — Billy Connolly

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“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields

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“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.” — Milton Berle

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“My life needs editing.” — Mort Sahl

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“You're only as good as your last haircut.” — Fran Lebowitz

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“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.” — Fred Allen

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