969 private quotes tagged funny

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.” — Denis Leary

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“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.” — Robert Orben

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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.” — Emo Philips

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“If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.” — Tom Hiddleston

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“Communism is like one big phone company.” — Lenny Bruce

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“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” — William Lyon Phelps

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“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” — Robin Williams

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“Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.” — Henry A. Kissinger

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“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.” — Bette Davis

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“Men are only as loyal as their options.” — Bill Maher

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“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” — Frank Lloyd Wright

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“If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.” — Marcelene Cox

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“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.” — Samuel Goldwyn

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“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” — Billy Connolly

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“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

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“Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.” — Robert Byrne

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“My life needs editing.” — Mort Sahl

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“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” — James Thurber

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“The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.” — Fred Allen

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

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“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

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“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.” — Lewis Black

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“The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.” — J. K. Rowling

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