969 private quotes tagged funny

“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.” — Samuel Goldwyn

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“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.” — Denis Leary

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“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.” — Joe Rogan

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“If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.” — Tom Hiddleston

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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.” — Emo Philips

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“The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.” — J. K. Rowling

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“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.” — Lewis Black

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“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” — William Lyon Phelps

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“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” — Robin Williams

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“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

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“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.” — Bette Davis

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“Men are only as loyal as their options.” — Bill Maher

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“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” — Frank Lloyd Wright

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” — Bill Maher

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“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” — Billy Connolly

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“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields

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“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

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“My life needs editing.” — Mort Sahl

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“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” — James Thurber

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“The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.” — Fred Allen

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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

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“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.” — Cathy Guisewite

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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