969 private quotes tagged funny

“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.” — Bette Davis

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.” — Joe Rogan

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“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.” — Emo Philips

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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

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“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” — William Lyon Phelps

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“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” — Robin Williams

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“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.” — Cathy Guisewite

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“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.” — Bette Davis

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“Men are only as loyal as their options.” — Bill Maher

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“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” — Frank Lloyd Wright

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“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” — David Ogilvy

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“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” — Bill Maher

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“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” — Billy Connolly

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“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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“My life needs editing.” — Mort Sahl

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“You're only as good as your last haircut.” — Fran Lebowitz

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“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” — James Thurber

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” — Robert Benchley

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

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