969 private quotes tagged funny

“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” — Red Skelton

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“It's so funny looking back, but my so-called overnight success actually took 15 years. I remember when I didn't have any money, and my only car was mom's Hyundai.” — Criss Angel

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“If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.” — Laurence J. Peter

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“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.” — Billy Wilder

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“Never have more children than you have car windows.” — Erma Bombeck

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“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

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“It's funny. You succeed, but now where are you gonna go from there? I've got to keep proving that I can laugh or cry more real each time.” — Jeff Bridges

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“If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.” — O. Henry

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“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'” — Claude Pepper

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“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“I mean I've seen 3D films so far and I think it's a long way to go before they replace actors. It's a funny thing with 3D, I haven't quite got it yet. Yet.” — Daniel Radcliffe

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“I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.” — Megan Fox

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“Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.” — Chris Rock

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“Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.” — John Krasinski

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“I rant, therefore I am.” — Dennis Miller

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“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” — William Arthur Ward

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“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.” — Jay Leno

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“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth

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“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'” — Rita Rudner

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“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.” — Emo Philips

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“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.” — Robert Orben

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“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.” — Bette Davis

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“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.” — Joe Rogan

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“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!” — Steve Martin

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