969 private quotes tagged funny

“Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.” — Chris Rock

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“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

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“It's funny. You succeed, but now where are you gonna go from there? I've got to keep proving that I can laugh or cry more real each time.” — Jeff Bridges

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“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.” — Emo Philips

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“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'” — Rita Rudner

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“I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.” — Megan Fox

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“Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.” — John Krasinski

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“If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.” — O. Henry

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“Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.” — Luis Bunuel

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“I rant, therefore I am.” — Dennis Miller

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“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” — William Arthur Ward

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“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth

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“The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” — Arthur C. Clarke

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“It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry.” — Alan Ladd

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“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.” — Samuel Goldwyn

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“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.” — Denis Leary

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“If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.” — Tom Hiddleston

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“The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.” — J. K. Rowling

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“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!” — Steve Martin

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“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

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