969 private quotes tagged funny

“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth

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“The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” — Arthur C. Clarke

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“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.” — Emo Philips

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“It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry.” — Alan Ladd

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“If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.” — Tom Hiddleston

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“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.” — Denis Leary

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“The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.” — J. K. Rowling

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“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

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“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.” — Cathy Guisewite

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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

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“I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.” — Steve Martin

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“Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.” — Luis Bunuel

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” — Robert Benchley

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“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” — Mae West

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“Never fight an inanimate object.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” — David Ogilvy

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.” — Lewis Black

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“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.” — Milton Berle

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