969 private quotes tagged funny

“Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.” — John Krasinski

0 favs

“I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.” — Megan Fox

0 favs

“The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” — Arthur C. Clarke

0 favs

“If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.” — O. Henry

0 favs

“Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.” — Luis Bunuel

0 favs

“I rant, therefore I am.” — Dennis Miller

0 favs

“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” — William Arthur Ward

0 favs

“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.” — P. J. O'Rourke

0 favs

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth

0 favs

“If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.” — Tom Hiddleston

0 favs

“It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry.” — Alan Ladd

0 favs

“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.” — Samuel Goldwyn

0 favs

“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.” — Denis Leary

0 favs

“The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.” — J. K. Rowling

0 favs

“I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.” — Steve Martin

0 favs

“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!” — Steve Martin

0 favs

“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

0 favs

“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

0 favs

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

0 favs

“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

0 favs

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

0 favs

“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.” — Cathy Guisewite

0 favs

“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” — David Ogilvy

0 favs

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!” — Jerry Seinfeld

0 favs

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

0 favs