969 private quotes tagged funny

“Communism is like one big phone company.” — Lenny Bruce

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“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.” — Joe E. Lewis

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“Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.” — Alfred Hitchcock

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“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.” — Elayne Boosler

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” — Robert Benchley

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

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“I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.” — Steve Martin

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.” — Lewis Black

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“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” — Mae West

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“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.” — Fred Allen

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“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” — Robert Benchley

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“Never fight an inanimate object.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.” — Tallulah Bankhead

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“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.” — Milton Berle

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“You know, Stephen says, in the movies no one ever goes to the bathroom. They shave, they brush their teeth. He goes right at this sort of funny taboo we have about the bathroom, and he turned it into this nightmare, you know, your worst fear of what's in there.” — Lawrence Kasdan

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“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” — David Ogilvy

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“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.” — Phyllis Diller

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“You see much more of your children once they leave home.” — Lucille Ball

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“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.” — Hesiod

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“I follow the most random people on Twitter. I follow famous people like Khloe Kardashian, who surprisingly makes really funny tweets all the time.” — Chloe Moretz

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“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” — Rita Rudner

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