969 private quotes tagged funny

“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.” — Lewis Black

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“Communism is like one big phone company.” — Lenny Bruce

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“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.” — Joe E. Lewis

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“Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.” — Alfred Hitchcock

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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

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“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.” — Phyllis Diller

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.” — Lewis Black

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“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” — Mae West

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“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.” — Fred Allen

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“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” — Robert Benchley

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“Never fight an inanimate object.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.” — Tallulah Bankhead

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“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.” — Milton Berle

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“You know, Stephen says, in the movies no one ever goes to the bathroom. They shave, they brush their teeth. He goes right at this sort of funny taboo we have about the bathroom, and he turned it into this nightmare, you know, your worst fear of what's in there.” — Lawrence Kasdan

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“Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.” — Stevie Wonder

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“It's a funny thing about life if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” — W. Somerset Maugham

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“You see much more of your children once they leave home.” — Lucille Ball

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“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.” — Hesiod

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“I follow the most random people on Twitter. I follow famous people like Khloe Kardashian, who surprisingly makes really funny tweets all the time.” — Chloe Moretz

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“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” — Rita Rudner

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“When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.” — Jane Wagner

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“It's funny - nowadays people that are famous get chased by paparazzi. They have this fame, but they don't have the money to hide from it.” — Matt LeBlanc

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“I didn't grow up identifying with beauty. I grew up thinking I could be smart and funny - those are the things I got feedback on.” — Lauren Graham

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“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” — Phyllis Diller

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