969 private quotes tagged funny

“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.” — Joe E. Lewis

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“Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.” — Alfred Hitchcock

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“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

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“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.” — J. K. Rowling

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.” — Cathy Guisewite

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” — Robert Benchley

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

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“I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.” — Steve Martin

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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.” — Lewis Black

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“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.” — Fred Allen

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“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” — Mae West

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“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” — Robert Benchley

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“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.” — Tallulah Bankhead

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“Never fight an inanimate object.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.” — Milton Berle

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“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” — David Ogilvy

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“You see much more of your children once they leave home.” — Lucille Ball

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“You know, Stephen says, in the movies no one ever goes to the bathroom. They shave, they brush their teeth. He goes right at this sort of funny taboo we have about the bathroom, and he turned it into this nightmare, you know, your worst fear of what's in there.” — Lawrence Kasdan

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“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.” — Hesiod

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