969 private quotes tagged funny

“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.” — Cathy Guisewite

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“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

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“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.” — Dennis Miller

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

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“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.” — Denis Leary

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“The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” — Arthur C. Clarke

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” — Robert Benchley

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“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.” — Cathy Guisewite

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.” — Lewis Black

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“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.” — Fred Allen

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“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” — Robert Benchley

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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

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“If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.” — Tom Hiddleston

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“The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.” — J. K. Rowling

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“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.” — Tallulah Bankhead

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“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” — Mae West

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“Never fight an inanimate object.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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