969 private quotes tagged funny

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!” — Steve Martin

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“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.” — Bette Davis

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“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.” — Jay Leno

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“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.” — Joe Rogan

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“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.” — Robert Orben

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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.” — Emo Philips

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“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.” — Tracey Ullman

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“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” — William Lyon Phelps

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“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” — Robin Williams

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“Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.” — Henry A. Kissinger

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“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.” — Bette Davis

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“Men are only as loyal as their options.” — Bill Maher

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“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” — Frank Lloyd Wright

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“If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.” — Marcelene Cox

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“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” — Bill Maher

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“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” — Billy Connolly

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“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields

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“Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.” — Robert Byrne

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“My life needs editing.” — Mort Sahl

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“You're only as good as your last haircut.” — Fran Lebowitz

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“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” — James Thurber

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“The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.” — Fred Allen

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“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.” — Lewis Black

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“Communism is like one big phone company.” — Lenny Bruce

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