969 private quotes tagged funny

“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” — Frank Lloyd Wright

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“If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.” — Marcelene Cox

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“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” — Bill Maher

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“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” — Billy Connolly

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“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields

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“Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.” — Robert Byrne

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“My life needs editing.” — Mort Sahl

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“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” — James Thurber

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“The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.” — Fred Allen

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“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.” — Lewis Black

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“Communism is like one big phone company.” — Lenny Bruce

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“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.” — Joe E. Lewis

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“Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.” — Alfred Hitchcock

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“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.” — Elayne Boosler

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“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.” — Cathy Guisewite

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“Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.” — Laurence J. Peter

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“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.” — Dennis Miller

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“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.” — Naguib Mahfouz

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“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.” — Rita Rudner

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“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” — Rita Rudner

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“My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?” — Margaret Smith

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“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.” — Spike Milligan

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“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson

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“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” — Gloria Steinem

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