969 private quotes tagged funny

“Here's the funny thing about the response I've been aware of to my dating famous people: It's been very negative. I'm either not good-looking enough, not a good enough actor or not successful enough for these people.” — Dax Shepard

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“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” — Lana Turner

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“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” — Milton Berle

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“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” — Thomas Sowell

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“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” — Joan Rivers

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“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Fred Allen

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“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” — Mae West

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“A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.” — Laurence J. Peter

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“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” — Elayne Boosler

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“The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy.” — Tommy Chong

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“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” — Margaret Mead

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“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?” — Phyllis Diller

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“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” — W.C. Fields

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“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” — Katharine Hepburn

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“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” — Frank Sinatra

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“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” — Henny Youngman

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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

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“I love being a dad, it keeps me fit and inspired and children are so funny. They always supply you with acting material!” — Wesley Snipes

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“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov

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“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.” — Hedy Lamarr

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“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” — Don Marquis

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“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey

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“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” — Casey Stengel

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