969 private quotes tagged funny

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” — Phyllis Diller

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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

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“When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.” — Jane Wagner

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“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” — Rita Rudner

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“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.” — Hesiod

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“You see much more of your children once they leave home.” — Lucille Ball

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“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.” — Tallulah Bankhead

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“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” — Robert Benchley

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“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.” — Fred Allen

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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.” — Lewis Black

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” — Robert Benchley

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

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“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.” — Samuel Goldwyn

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“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” — William Arthur Ward

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“I rant, therefore I am.” — Dennis Miller

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“I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.” — Megan Fox

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“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.” — Denis Leary

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“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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