969 private quotes tagged funny

“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.” — Fred Allen

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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.” — Lewis Black

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” — Robert Benchley

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

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“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.” — Samuel Goldwyn

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“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!” — Steve Martin

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“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.” — Bette Davis

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“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.” — Jay Leno

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“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.” — Joe Rogan

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“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.” — Robert Orben

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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.” — Emo Philips

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“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.” — Tracey Ullman

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“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” — William Lyon Phelps

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“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” — Robin Williams

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“Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.” — Henry A. Kissinger

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“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.” — Bette Davis

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“Men are only as loyal as their options.” — Bill Maher

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