969 private quotes tagged funny

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” — Mel Brooks

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“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” — Erma Bombeck

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“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.” — Emo Philips

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“He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

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“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” — Walt Disney

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“Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.” — Jerry Lewis

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“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” — Phyllis Diller

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“When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.” — Jane Wagner

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“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” — Rita Rudner

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“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.” — Hesiod

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“You see much more of your children once they leave home.” — Lucille Ball

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“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.” — Tallulah Bankhead

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“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” — Robert Benchley

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“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.” — Fred Allen

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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.” — Lewis Black

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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.” — Henny Youngman

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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” — Robert Benchley

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

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“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.” — Samuel Goldwyn

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