969 private quotes tagged funny

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” — Albert Einstein

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“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times.” — Mark Twain

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“It only takes one drink to get me drunk. I can just never remember if it's the eighth or ninth.” — George Burns

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“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.” — Bob Hope

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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“It's so crowded, nobody goes there.” — Yogi Berra

Context:On why he no longer goes to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant.

Source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yogi_Berra#Quotations

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“I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.” — Robin Williams

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“No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12.” — Rowan Atkinson

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“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” — Groucho Marx

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“If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” — Jack Lemmon

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“And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row.” — Vitas Gerulaitis

Context:After winning the 17th game against Jimmy Connors, who had beat him the previous 16 games.

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“When people are very quotable, it can make it harder to listen to what they actually have to say.” — Maciej Cegłowski

Source:https://static.pinboard.in/xoxo_talk_thoreau.htm

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“You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.” — David R. Ellis

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“There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.” — Kevin James

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“The funniest racism is the racism between minorities. It's something you don't see dramatized, but almost every minority I know who's my age, they have these funny stories about their parents stereotyping other minorities.” — Mindy Kaling

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“There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.” — Christopher Walken

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“I always like to watch comics and it's interesting that you can tell if someone's funny in 10 seconds.” — Christopher Walken

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“I'm only late three or four times once a month.” — Chumlee

Source:Pawn Stars, Season 8, Episode 32. TV.

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“The only thing I know of whose shortened form — www — takes three times longer to say than what it's short for.” — Douglas Adams

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“I like reading Ball Tongue lyrics and all that stuff. And they published a book, and I wouldn't give my lyrics, and it's all wrong in the book, and I giggle. It's funny.” — Jonathan Davis

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“My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.” — Jennifer Aniston

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“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.” — Ernest Hemingway

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“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?” — H. L. Mencken

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