969 private quotes tagged funny

“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.” — George Burns

0 favs

“I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” — Stephen Fry

0 favs

“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.” — George Burns

0 favs

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” — George Burns

0 favs

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

0 favs

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns

0 favs

“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” — Warren Buffett

0 favs

“One picture is worth 1,000 denials.” — Ronald Reagan

0 favs

“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” — George Orwell

0 favs

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” — Mitch Hedberg

0 favs

“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.” — Woody Allen

0 favs

“Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age.” — Julia Roberts

0 favs

“If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.” — Bob Hope

0 favs

“Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” — Samuel Butler

0 favs

“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.” — Dave Barry

0 favs

“Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.” — Bill Gates

0 favs

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” — Steven Wright

0 favs

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” — George Carlin

0 favs

“Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.” — Josh Billings

0 favs

“I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.” — Will Rogers

0 favs

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.” — Mitch Hedberg

0 favs

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” — Rodney Dangerfield

0 favs

“It is not funny that anything else should fall down only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.” — Gilbert K. Chesterton

0 favs

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin

0 favs

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.” — Mitch Hedberg

0 favs