969 private quotes tagged funny

“If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” — Jack Lemmon

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“And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row.” — Vitas Gerulaitis

Context:After winning the 17th game against Jimmy Connors, who had beat him the previous 16 games.

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“I like reading Ball Tongue lyrics and all that stuff. And they published a book, and I wouldn't give my lyrics, and it's all wrong in the book, and I giggle. It's funny.” — Jonathan Davis

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“You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.” — David R. Ellis

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“My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.” — Jennifer Aniston

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“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?” — H. L. Mencken

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“A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.” — Ernest Hemingway

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“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” — Ronald Reagan

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“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.” — Mark Twain

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“Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.” — Will Rogers

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“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.” — George Burns

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“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.” — George Burns

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“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” — George Burns

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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

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“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns

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“I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” — Stephen Fry

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“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” — Warren Buffett

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“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” — George Orwell

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“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” — Samuel Butler

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“If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.” — Bob Hope

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“Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age.” — Julia Roberts

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“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.” — Woody Allen

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“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.” — Dave Barry

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