969 private quotes tagged funny

“The only thing I know of whose shortened form — www — takes three times longer to say than what it's short for.” — Douglas Adams

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“You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.” — David R. Ellis

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“I like reading Ball Tongue lyrics and all that stuff. And they published a book, and I wouldn't give my lyrics, and it's all wrong in the book, and I giggle. It's funny.” — Jonathan Davis

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“My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.” — Jennifer Aniston

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“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?” — H. L. Mencken

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“A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.” — Ernest Hemingway

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“Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.” — Will Rogers

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“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.” — George Burns

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“I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” — Stephen Fry

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“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” — George Burns

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“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.” — George Burns

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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

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“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns

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“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” — Warren Buffett

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“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” — George Orwell

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“One picture is worth 1,000 denials.” — Ronald Reagan

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“Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” — Samuel Butler

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“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.” — Bob Hope

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“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.” — Woody Allen

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“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.” — Dave Barry

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“Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age.” — Julia Roberts

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“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” — Steven Wright

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“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.” — Josh Billings

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