969 private quotes tagged funny

“The only thing I know of whose shortened form — www — takes three times longer to say than what it's short for.” — Douglas Adams

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“You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.” — David R. Ellis

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“My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.” — Jennifer Aniston

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“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?” — H. L. Mencken

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“A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.” — Ernest Hemingway

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“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.” — George Burns

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“I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” — Stephen Fry

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“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.” — George Burns

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“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” — George Burns

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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

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“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns

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“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” — Warren Buffett

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“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” — George Orwell

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“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“One picture is worth 1,000 denials.” — Ronald Reagan

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“If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.” — Bob Hope

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“Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age.” — Julia Roberts

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“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.” — Woody Allen

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“Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” — Samuel Butler

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“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.” — Dave Barry

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“Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.” — Bill Gates

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“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” — Steven Wright

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“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” — George Carlin

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“Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.” — Josh Billings

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“I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.” — Will Rogers

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