969 private quotes tagged funny

“When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.” — Jack Handey

1 fav

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” — Jerry Seinfeld

1 fav

“Be obscure clearly.” — E. B. White

1 fav

“If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” — Will Rogers

1 fav

“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.” — Roy Orbison

1 fav

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright

1 fav

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” — Mark Twain

1 fav

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright

1 fav

“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” — George Bernard Shaw

1 fav

“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.” — Walt Whitman

1 fav

“One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.” — William Feather

1 fav

“That's what I do. I drink and I know things.” — Tyrion Lannister

Source:Game of Thrones

1 fav

“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.” — Voltaire

1 fav

“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” — Mark Twain

1 fav

“I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it.” — Robert Downey, Jr.

1 fav

“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.”

1 fav

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.” — Mitch Hedberg

1 fav

“The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.'” — Richard Branson

1 fav

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” — Albert Einstein

1 fav

“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” — Mitch Hedberg

1 fav

“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” — Calvin Coolidge

1 fav

“There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.” — Josh Billings

1 fav

“I never said most of the things I said.” — Yogi Berra

1 fav

“I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.” — Will Rogers

1 fav

“I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.” — Carl Sandburg

1 fav