969 private quotes tagged funny

“I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it.” — Robert Downey, Jr.

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“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright

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“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” — Mark Twain

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“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.” — Walt Whitman

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“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.” — Voltaire

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“I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.” — Will Rogers

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“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” — Calvin Coolidge

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“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.”

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“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” — Mark Twain

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“That's what I do. I drink and I know things.” — Tyrion Lannister

Source:Game of Thrones

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“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” — George Bernard Shaw

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“The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.'” — Richard Branson

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“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” — Will Rogers

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“One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.” — William Feather

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“I never said most of the things I said.” — Yogi Berra

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“There are three kinds of lies: lies, d--n lies, and statistics.” — Mark Twain

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“I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.” — Bob Hope

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“There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.” — Josh Billings

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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” — Albert Einstein

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“If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.” — Johnny Carson

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“Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.” — Henry Lawson

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“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.” — Bob Hope

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“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.” — Woody Allen

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“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.” — Mitch Hedberg

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