969 private quotes tagged funny

“I've always been part of comedy. One of the things about our family was that if we were reasonably funny with each other, particularly my two brothers and myself, when my father was upset with something you'd want to make sure in some way you made him laugh. Because when he didn't laugh, you were in trouble!” — Leslie Nielsen

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“Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.” — Jerry Lewis

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“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” — Walt Disney

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“I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid.” — Sophia Bush

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“Keep your sense of humor, my friend if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.” — Wavy Gravy

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“He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

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“People just don't laugh when their family is violated, and you don't shrug it off. You band together and you defend together. It's a funny, primitive instinct.” — Phillip Noyce

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“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.” — Emo Philips

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“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” — Erma Bombeck

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“It's not common for a woman on television, especially if she's the mom of the family, to be funny. She's usually a straight man or foil.” — Martha Plimpton

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“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” — Mel Brooks

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“O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” — Saint Augustine

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“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” — Clint Eastwood

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“It's not an accident that both my sister and I are writers. Our parents created an accidental Petri dish. My family has great storytellers, and I grew up in a very funny, conversational house and didn't have television. This small family farm was a bubble world that didn't have much to do with reality.” — Elizabeth Gilbert

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“I guess now that I think back, I used to play priest and be a funny priest. I don't know, I grew up in such a Catholic family that I kind of liked to test the boundaries a little bit and I think I had fun watching my mom laugh.” — Jenny McCarthy

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“All men are equal before fish.” — Herbert Hoover

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“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?” — Lily Tomlin

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“It's a funny old world.” — Margaret Thatcher

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“I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.” — Paul Lynde

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“My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” — Spike Milligan

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“Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” — Bill Vaughan

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“They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?” — Casey Stengel

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“Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.” — Chris Rock

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“It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger

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“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.” — Imelda Marcos

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