969 private quotes tagged funny

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” — Erma Bombeck

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“I guess now that I think back, I used to play priest and be a funny priest. I don't know, I grew up in such a Catholic family that I kind of liked to test the boundaries a little bit and I think I had fun watching my mom laugh.” — Jenny McCarthy

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“Keep your sense of humor, my friend if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.” — Wavy Gravy

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“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” — Mel Brooks

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“O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” — Saint Augustine

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“I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.” — Paul Lynde

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“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” — Clint Eastwood

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“They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?” — Casey Stengel

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“My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” — Spike Milligan

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“Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” — Bill Vaughan

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“I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.” — Fred Allen

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“All men are equal before fish.” — Herbert Hoover

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“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?” — Lily Tomlin

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“I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.” — James Brown

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“It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger

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“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.” — Imelda Marcos

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“As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” — Buddy Hackett

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“The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my mum would make weird funny comments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating, hippie humour. I can't take myself too seriously.” — Drew Barrymore

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“Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.” — Chris Rock

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“The next time you have a thought... let it go.” — Ron White

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“I got pregnant at 40 by surprise. It's funny, because when we found out we were pregnant, I said, 'Okay, let's experience that.' You just have to just go with it because it's rare.” — Julianna Margulies

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“I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and it's a way of laughing at it and getting a release.” — Joaquin Phoenix

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“It's funny when people say, 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey, if I don't like you, you're going to know about it.” — Julia Roberts

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“Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.” — Milton Berle

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“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” — Joe E. Lewis

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