969 private quotes tagged funny

“They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?” — Casey Stengel

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“All men are equal before fish.” — Herbert Hoover

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“It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger

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“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.” — Imelda Marcos

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“I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.” — Fred Allen

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“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?” — Lily Tomlin

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“The next time you have a thought... let it go.” — Ron White

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“As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” — Buddy Hackett

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“The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my mum would make weird funny comments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating, hippie humour. I can't take myself too seriously.” — Drew Barrymore

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“I got pregnant at 40 by surprise. It's funny, because when we found out we were pregnant, I said, 'Okay, let's experience that.' You just have to just go with it because it's rare.” — Julianna Margulies

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“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” — Joe E. Lewis

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“I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and it's a way of laughing at it and getting a release.” — Joaquin Phoenix

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“You know what's funny to me? Attitude.” — Don Rickles

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“It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals.” — Craig Bruce

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“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” — Billy Connolly

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“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” — Henry A. Kissinger

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“Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.” — Milton Berle

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“Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.” — Oscar Levant

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“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” — Casey Stengel

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“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.” — Erma Bombeck

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“I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.” — Gertrude Stein

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“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey

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“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” — Don Marquis

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“It's funny now how much we look at - whatever you want to call it: art, design, culture stuff, film - online, and how in the online world, you're instantly global.” — Mike Mills

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“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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