969 private quotes tagged funny

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” — Margaret Mead

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“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?” — Phyllis Diller

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“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” — W.C. Fields

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“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” — Katharine Hepburn

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“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” — Frank Sinatra

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“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” — Henny Youngman

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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

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“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov

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“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.” — Hedy Lamarr

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“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” — Don Marquis

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“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey

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“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” — Casey Stengel

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“Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.” — Oscar Levant

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“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” — Henry A. Kissinger

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“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” — Billy Connolly

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“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” — Joe E. Lewis

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“The next time you have a thought... let it go.” — Ron White

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“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.” — Imelda Marcos

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“It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger

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“Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” — Bill Vaughan

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“My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” — Spike Milligan

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“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” — Clint Eastwood

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“O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” — Saint Augustine

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