969 private quotes tagged funny

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” — Casey Stengel

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“Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.” — Oscar Levant

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“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” — Henry A. Kissinger

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“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” — Billy Connolly

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“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” — Joe E. Lewis

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“The next time you have a thought... let it go.” — Ron White

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“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.” — Imelda Marcos

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“It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger

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“Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” — Bill Vaughan

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“My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” — Spike Milligan

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“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” — Clint Eastwood

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“O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” — Saint Augustine

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“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” — Mel Brooks

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“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” — Erma Bombeck

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“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.” — Emo Philips

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“He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

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“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” — Walt Disney

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“Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.” — Jerry Lewis

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“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” — Phyllis Diller

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“When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.” — Jane Wagner

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“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” — Rita Rudner

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“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.” — Hesiod

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“You see much more of your children once they leave home.” — Lucille Ball

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“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.” — Tallulah Bankhead

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“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” — Robert Benchley

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