969 private quotes tagged funny

“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” — Red Skelton

0 favs

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin

0 favs

“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.” — Joey Adams

0 favs

“It's funny to be a critic.” — Leslie Fiedler

0 favs

“Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things.” — Adam Sandler

0 favs

“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.” — Groucho Marx

0 favs

“A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.” — Kevin Nealon

0 favs

“I'm for whatever gets you through the night.” — Frank Sinatra

0 favs

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” — Groucho Marx

0 favs

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” — Lana Turner

0 favs

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” — Milton Berle

0 favs

“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” — Thomas Sowell

0 favs

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” — Joan Rivers

0 favs

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Fred Allen

0 favs

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” — Mae West

0 favs

“A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.” — Laurence J. Peter

0 favs

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” — Elayne Boosler

0 favs

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” — Margaret Mead

0 favs

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?” — Phyllis Diller

0 favs

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” — W.C. Fields

0 favs

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” — Katharine Hepburn

0 favs

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” — Frank Sinatra

0 favs

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” — Henny Youngman

0 favs

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

0 favs

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov

0 favs