969 private quotes tagged funny

“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” — William Arthur Ward

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“I rant, therefore I am.” — Dennis Miller

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“I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.” — Megan Fox

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“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“It's funny. You succeed, but now where are you gonna go from there? I've got to keep proving that I can laugh or cry more real each time.” — Jeff Bridges

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“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

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“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.” — Billy Wilder

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“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” — Red Skelton

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“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin

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“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.” — Joey Adams

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“It's funny to be a critic.” — Leslie Fiedler

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“Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things.” — Adam Sandler

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“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.” — Groucho Marx

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“A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.” — Kevin Nealon

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“I'm for whatever gets you through the night.” — Frank Sinatra

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“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” — Groucho Marx

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“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” — Lana Turner

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“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” — Milton Berle

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“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” — Thomas Sowell

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“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” — Joan Rivers

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“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Fred Allen

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“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” — Mae West

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“A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.” — Laurence J. Peter

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“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” — Elayne Boosler

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