969 private quotes tagged funny

“My size has helped make me an amazing performer too. The cliche of the Funny Fat Friend: I absolutely was that character - I am that character... It's a complicated bag of tools I acquired, and I've put them all to work onstage.” — Beth Ditto

2 favs

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” — Mitch Hedberg

1 fav

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” — Mitch Hedberg

1 fav

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” — Rodney Dangerfield

1 fav

“What's another word for Thesaurus?” — Steven Wright

1 fav

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!” — Mitch Hedberg

1 fav

“I don't mean to be funny.” — Yogi Berra

1 fav

“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” — Calvin Coolidge

1 fav

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.” — Mitch Hedberg

1 fav

“Be obscure clearly.” — E. B. White

1 fav

“The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.'” — Richard Branson

1 fav

“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” — Mitch Hedberg

1 fav

“It's so crowded, nobody goes there.” — Yogi Berra

Context:On why he no longer goes to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant.

Source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yogi_Berra#Quotations

1 fav

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” — Mark Twain

1 fav

“The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and seal.” — Mark Twain

1 fav

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” — Albert Einstein

1 fav

“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.”

1 fav

“There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.” — Josh Billings

1 fav

“A poet can survive everything but a misprint.” — Oscar Wilde

1 fav

“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” — George Bernard Shaw

1 fav

“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.” — Walt Whitman

1 fav

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright

1 fav

“It only takes one drink to get me drunk. I can just never remember if it's the eighth or ninth.” — George Burns

1 fav

“That's what I do. I drink and I know things.” — Tyrion Lannister

Source:Game of Thrones

1 fav

“If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” — Will Rogers

1 fav