969 private quotes tagged funny

“There are 2 things that will bring you success in life: 1) Don't tell everyone everything you know.”

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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.” — Dave Barry

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“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“What's another word for Thesaurus?” — Steven Wright

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“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I don't mean to be funny.” — Yogi Berra

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“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.” — Voltaire

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“Be obscure clearly.” — E. B. White

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“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.”

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“The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%.” — Douglas Adams

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“That's what I do. I drink and I know things.” — Tyrion Lannister

Source:Game of Thrones

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“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and seal.” — Mark Twain

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“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” — Mark Twain

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“There are three kinds of lies: lies, d--n lies, and statistics.” — Mark Twain

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“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” — Calvin Coolidge

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“The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.'” — Richard Branson

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“A poet can survive everything but a misprint.” — Oscar Wilde

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“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” — George Bernard Shaw

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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” — Albert Einstein

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“If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” — Will Rogers

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“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.” — Walt Whitman

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“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright

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