969 private quotes tagged funny

“Everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an a-----e is a horrible meal.” — Chris Rock

Source:http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com/chris-rock-kids-n...

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“It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.” — Michael Scott

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“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” — Timothy Leary

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“I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.” — Taylor Swift

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“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.” — Groucho Marx

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“Get the facts first. You can distort them later.” — Mark Twain

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“Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.” — Steve Jobs

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“Flattery is like cologne; water, to be smelt, not swallowed.” — Josh Billings

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“I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way.” — Mo Rocca

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“90% of the game is half mental.” — Yogi Berra

Context:As a general comment about baseball.

Source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yogi_Berra#Quotations

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“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.” — Yogi Berra

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“After all is said and done - more is said than done.”

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“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance” — Franklin P. Adams

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“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.” — Woody Allen

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“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.” — Mark Twain

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Elwood: “Baby clothes.”
Jake: “This place has got everything.”

Context:When they're driving through the inside of a shopping mall while being chased by police.

Source:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIdGxR-aU6o&t=1m20s

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“By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” — Richard Dawkins

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“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.” — Woody Allen

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“There are 2 things that will bring you success in life: 1) Don't tell everyone everything you know.”

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“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx

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“My size has helped make me an amazing performer too. The cliche of the Funny Fat Friend: I absolutely was that character - I am that character... It's a complicated bag of tools I acquired, and I've put them all to work onstage.” — Beth Ditto

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“If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money, he'd jump out the window.” — Chris Rock

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“I never look at the brass. It only encourages them.” — Thomas Beechum

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“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams

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