969 private quotes tagged funny

“We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.” — Logan P. Smith

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“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

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“It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” — Robert Frost

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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” — Ronald Reagan

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“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.” — H. L. Mencken

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“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” — Woody Allen

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“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.” — Mark Twain

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“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.” — George Burns

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“I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.” — Charles M. Schulz

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“Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.” — Will Rogers

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“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.” — Steven Wright

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“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.” — Bob Hope

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“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.” — Woody Allen

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“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.” — Johnny Carson

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“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.” — E. B. White

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“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'” — Rita Rudner

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“I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.” — Megan Fox

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“Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.” — John Krasinski

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“If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.” — O. Henry

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“I rant, therefore I am.” — Dennis Miller

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“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” — William Arthur Ward

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