969 private quotes tagged funny

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard

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“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.” — Josh Billings

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“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.” — Al Gore

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“I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.” — Charles M. Schulz

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“Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers

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“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?” — Mitch Hedberg

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“It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” — Robert Frost

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“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.” — Oliver Herford

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“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.” — Steven Wright

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“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.” — Johnny Carson

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“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” — Woody Allen

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“If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.” — Logan P. Smith

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“We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.” — Logan P. Smith

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“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” — Ronald Reagan

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“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.” — Bob Hope

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“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.” — Mark Twain

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“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.” — Woody Allen

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“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

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“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” — George Carlin

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“Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.” — E. B. White

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“Never have more children than you have car windows.” — Erma Bombeck

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