969 private quotes tagged funny

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

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“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.” — Oliver Herford

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“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?” — Mitch Hedberg

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“The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.” — Al Gore

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“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” — Woody Allen

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“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.” — Johnny Carson

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“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.” — Steven Wright

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“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.” — Bob Hope

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“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.” — Woody Allen

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“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” — Ronald Reagan

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“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.” — Mark Twain

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“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” — George Carlin

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“Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.” — Will Rogers

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“We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.” — Logan P. Smith

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“Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.” — E. B. White

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“Never have more children than you have car windows.” — Erma Bombeck

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“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.” — Billy Wilder

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“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'” — Rita Rudner

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“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

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“It's funny. You succeed, but now where are you gonna go from there? I've got to keep proving that I can laugh or cry more real each time.” — Jeff Bridges

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“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.” — Emo Philips

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“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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