969 private quotes tagged funny

“Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age.” — Julia Roberts

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“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” — George Orwell

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“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.” — Dave Barry

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“Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.” — Bill Gates

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“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” — Steven Wright

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“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” — George Carlin

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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

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“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns

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“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin

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“It is not funny that anything else should fall down only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.” — Gilbert K. Chesterton

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“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.” — Will Rogers

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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” — Robert Frost

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“Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.” — Ronald Reagan

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“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” — George Bernard Shaw

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“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.” — Steven Wright

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“Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers

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“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” — George Carlin

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“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.” — George Carlin

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“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.” — H. L. Mencken

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“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” — Mitch Hedberg

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