969 private quotes tagged funny

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.” — Ronald Reagan

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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.” — Al Gore

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“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

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“Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers

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“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.” — Steven Wright

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“We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.” — Logan P. Smith

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“It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” — Robert Frost

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“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” — Mark Twain

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“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” — Winston Churchill

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“Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.” — Josh Billings

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“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.” — Steven Wright

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“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” — H. L. Mencken

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“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” — Woody Allen

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“Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.” — Bill Gates

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“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” — George Bernard Shaw

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“Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.” — Victor Hugo

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“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard

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“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.” — Bob Hope

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